Defining Doofuses

McAuley Musings Defining DoofusesThis post was originally published in 2013 when I was (sadly) dating only doofuses.

For those of you that I might date, these posts are clues for you. Gigantic clues about what I – and other women – want in a relationship. Even if you’re a doofus you can learn.

Defining Doofus

The Urban Dictionary defines doofus as, “Someone who hasn’t got a clue! They live in blissful ignorance of the world, fashion, personal hygiene and social skills.” It’s really the last point that hits home.

A dating doofus asks you for coffee when you haven’t exchanged more than two lines of comments back and forth. He might not have even shared his name or phone number but he wants to have coffee with you. I know a lot of people beyond a two line email exchange and don’t want to have coffee – or dinner or anything else – with them.

Get a clue, doofus.

I need to know more about you before I will meet you. You could be the ax murderer my married friends are telling me I am sure to meet while online dating.

A dating doofus doesn’t get the subtlety of conversation. Heck, the dating doofus doesn’t get it when you’re obvious either! A guy asked me to a sporting event for our first date. I asked him if we could do something else like coffee or meet for a drink. His response? “Only [sporting event], sweetie.”

My response, “Have fun.”

[Translation: Have a nice life, doofus.]

That wasn’t even the end of the conversation. I had to actually say I wasn’t interested.

Let’s break this down for you, Sweetie:

The ridiculousness of a sporting event as a first date

Even if I were a rabid sports fan, I can’t have a conversation with you at a sporting event. I can’t look into your eyes to see if what you’ve said online or on the phone is what your eyes, your soul, are saying. I am not competing with a sporting event for your attention – especially on a first date.

Your idea sucked but…

I suggested going for coffee or a drink instead of a sporting event – Doofuses, this means your idea sucked BUT I am still interested enough to meet you.

You called me sweetie

You might as well have called me the “c” word. That’s how annoyed it made me. In fact, calling me sweetie overshadowed the fact that you only wanted to go to a sporting event on a first date. Get a clue, doofus.

And so it goes… My aunt asked me if I had more prospects beyond the doofus and I told her about the pecan grove…that’s a story I am saving for later…

  1. Everardo
  2. Megan Swicegood
    • Anne McAuley

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