Old feelings often come back with a vengeance.
I had all I could do to keep it together.
It goes back to sixth grade when I wasn’t the coolest or smartest kid in class. I had ratted out a classmate for cheating the year before and my classmates hadn’t forgotten. Sixth grade was far and away the worst year of school for me.
I was left out of circles of friends, literally left standing alone at the beginning of school days.
My love of writing was frowned upon by my schoolmates.
I felt alone.
Last week a series of events happened that confirmed what I had been feeling in my gut. I was once again left alone on the playground. I handled my exit from the relationships with grace and dignity on the outside while screaming like a lost sixth grader on the inside.
By the weekend I was a mess.
Couple a feeling of alone with depression and anxiety and that’s a recipe for a crying fit and pity party.
My boyfriend was beside me with tissues in hand, holding me and reminding me that I am not alone. Frankly, he was confused about why I felt alone. In that moment, I just told him to let me have the pity party. My heart was sad yet in my head I knew, even at the pity party, that I have more people who care about me than many people have in a lifetime.
I just needed some time to work through those old feelings.
In the weeks surrounding the pity party, several things have happened that make me grateful for what I have and hopeful about the future:
- Two people who I am friends with on Facebook but have never met in real life prayed for me. Both prayed for healing.
- The BF and I have gone to church. The first time was the day after the pity party; the message I received was that I am part of a community. That made my heart and head feel peace.
- A woman I know through my business networking died from injuries suffered in an accident. She left a three year old daughter. The mom was 46 years old, the same age my mother was when she died. I cried so hard for that little girl that I forgot my own pain.
- I continue to receive confirmation that a relationship that was at one time valuable, is no longer healthy for me. Friendship is about giving and receiving and when it becomes anything else, it’s probably time to let it go.
- A friend who I had lost touch with is now back in my life. It’s as if space was made for this person to come back and it feels like a piece of my heart is back in place. That makes my heart smile.
- I met a business owner who is rocking her business. I met her mother who gave me a message about letting go and letting God. We both have panic attacks; she taught me a new way to view and deal with them.
- Yesterday I had girl time with my friend and fellow blogger Tabitha and made a new friend. They are Christian women and a breath of fresh air. God is good.
In my pain I always know God is there for me, teaching me and providing opportunity for healing and for life-giving experiences. I don’t think Tabitha knows the gift she gave me just by reaching out to say she would love to spend time shopping with me. We had a blast with her friend (my new friend) Alicia. I bought clothes at a local consignment store, My Sister’s Closet, in the colors and style that look best on me. She is helping me with signature color and style and so much more.
This is already a great week and a great season of life. Pity parties be gone, I have PDA to do – Public Displays of Awesomeness.